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Corporate Events: A Great Time to Practice your Spy Skills |
Let's face it, it's a free-for-all out there in the corporate world. Free competition isn't free and those that get ahead have discovered that the battle for product supremecy is not unlike the the Greek and Roman battles waged eons ago. True, there may not be gods from the heavens looking down upon these conflicts, but a good Trojan Horse gimmick will work wonders every time.
So how does Joe Company Man stay ahead of the curve and fight fire with fire? You work on your "inner spy" abilities and then practice what you practice. Trust me, that James Bond stuff isn't just movie magic. No, you don't have to buy new shoes with hidden toe spikes, but donning a disguise now and then might just be what the corporate doctor ordered.
Case and point: The annual company meeting. Not yours; the competitor's. It's one of the most important events of the business year. You don't want to miss out on all the new technology and marketing plans he's got revved up for the next sales season. So what a sneaky guy to do? Sneak in to the company meeting. Hey, it's not like they're going to send you an invitation, right? So don a disguise and get your covert butt in there.
There are many tried and true gimmicks for slipping in and out of the competition's big day undetected. I will offer you a few as sort of a starter kit.
First, get yourself some legit credentials. Everybody's wearing nametags or I.D. badges, right? But not everybody shows and even the ones that do show up often jettison those credentials on their way out of an event. Check the bathrooms and garbage bins. You will be surprised to find all kinds of valid I.D. next to the wads of toilet paper and cigarette butts. Yeah, it's a dirty job, but you gotta get dirty to get the dirt on the other guy, okay?
Second, wear the dang badge you just "procured". Don't sweat the small stuff regarding the name and if it is recognizable. Just do your best to obscure a proper view of the name. You can use clothing to cover it up. You can wear it in a place people won't stare at (use your imagination). You can even get creative and spill some food or drink substance on it so the letter become blurred and/or stained. Just be creative.
Three, you need to learn how to do the Moonwalk. You know, that backward-sliding-dancing-thing that Michael Jackson made famous. No, you're not going to sneak in as a member of a retro 80's band. But you will need the above mentioned skill Because you will then be able to walk right into the place BACKWARDS. Yes, I literally mean taking backwards steps--only a few at a time--until you've successfully backed your way through the gates of the fortress. You'll be amazed how easy it is. The key is to make it always seem as though you're just re-entering. Have that "I've been in there already" attitude at all times. No one in their right mind is going to ask you if you're backing into the event. And if they do, just laugh as though they've said the most ridiculous thing in the world and cross off shaking your head in disbelief. Works like a charm.
Four, identify you exit areas. No corporate suit likes to stay at any event until the bitter end. They all like to make a quick exit and beat the crowd. Find these guys and where they congregate and you will have found your golden doorway to the competitor's riches. The key here is to work you way into this special crowd. They will fan out all around the event's doorway as a way of still being close in case anything important happens, but far enough away form the common folk so they can fly to the taxi area before the applause ends. The more crowded an exit, the easier it is to slip inside. But don't forget the backwards walk! Nothing blows up a good sneak-in like a goofy revealing forward walk. You might as well hang a sign on your forehead: "I'm the competition here to steal your secrets." Remember, a good back-walker will always have his face in the same direction as the attendees. An opposite facing face is a dead giveaway.
Five, once inside put yourself in the line of fire. Get close enough to conversations at the tables and bars so that you can overhear everything, but just as easily appear to be a part of something else nearby (another table, a line for wine, etc.). If someone does make contact, don't panic. Assume the identity of a company consultant. No one knows who these guys are because they are often part-time hired hands so that the company doesn't have to pay benefits. If you didn't know this, consider this a free tip to use consultants similarly at your company. You're welcome. You might want to even have a few bogus business cards printed up just in case you really want to play the part to a tee. But, please, get them professionally done. Nothing blows a disguise more than a business card with cross outs and corrections.
Lastly, work the smokers. There's sort of an unwritten bond these days among smokers who are forced to find a smoking area to light up. Bring cigarettes and matches and join one of these smoking sessions and business world will be your oyster. Fellow nicotine users will spill their guts to a "brother" smoker--especially if he has free butts and a light. It's amazing how much a cancer stick is like sodium pentathol. These smokers will share everything, but be prepared to join in on the conversation as if you were there and heard everything they are referring to. If you feel stuck or caught in a lie, a sudden coughing or hacking fit will immediately change the subject and give you the perfect excuse to make a hasty exit in order to spit up a major phlem ball.
Now that you have a good overview of how to get the goods on the other guy, be wary. If you read this, then maybe so did he. Consequently, keep an eye peeled for that suspicious individual who looks like a company man, but never walks forward and is a little too quick to run out for a smoke. Good luck and good spying!
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